party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
