I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
