she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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