yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
