So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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