how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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