Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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