sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
