i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
