I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
