My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
