Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
