Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
