I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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