There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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