i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
