Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
