im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
