If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I faked an abortion last night.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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