And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize