Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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