My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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