i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Did I show you my penis last night?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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