dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
