Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just found a bag of teeth...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
