I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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