I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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