What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
