I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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