Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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