I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he high fived his dick after we had sex
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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