I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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