Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
