70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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