We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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