So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
