I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
