I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
