If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So. Much. Porn.
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