Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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