A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
