If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am available for nakedness
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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