I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
