I am in a vortex of obligation.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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