Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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