If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
