I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
