he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there was a trapeze. enough said
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
