she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
