"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
