I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
