Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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