Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
