I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
