My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
