my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
